So.... holy crap its almost the end of 2010 and it has now been a year since my wife left.
I wanted to write briefly about my feelings lately. As you can imagine, 5-6 years worth of a relationship either married or just being with someone you love is hard to let go. Part of you wants to jump for joy at the sign of freedom. The other part of you misses the person that you had loved so dearly and would have done just anything for.
Learning to deal with these emotions can have a tremendous effect on someone throughout their daily lives. The depression can make it hard to follow through on commitments. Organization and "giving a damn" goes out the window. And people who have been depending on you, are let down to the point where they have no more faith in you.
Yesterday I left a message on my Deviant Art page and I will follow up with that here; I am effectively cancelling my launch of MockTales for late October/beginning of November 2010. When will the book be out? At this time I just don't know. I'm not giving up, but I just can't make the deadline I set for myself. The deadline that I keep setting over and over since 2004. Every year I say I'm drawing this book. Every year I tell people it is just a few months away. Every year since I started selling artwork at the Emerald City Comic Con, I would tell people it's almost here. And every year, I let people down. Including myself.
The idea was this; that I would move out of my apartment in Lakewood, and move into a room for rent either with my Niece, or eventually where I ended up living now, at a room for rent in Seattle. Since I have moved into this new place, my old life has been slowly drifting away, making room for my new life. I have met some of the most amazing people in the last year or so. And more recently, in the last 6 months, I feel like I have fallen in love all over again. Fallen in love with life, my mind, my art, my writing, and even with a woman who means a great deal to me. Where all of this will go, I just don't know. I'll read back on this in five years and tell you then. But for once, I'm not scared or afraid. Should I be? Am I too numb to feel afraid any more?
Someone had once told me, that when my wife slammed my thumb in between the door-frame and the car door (accidentally of course) that the reason I was not freaking or lashing out in anger because I was in shock. I've heard people say this so many times, but never understood it. I had complete access to my thoughts and actions and knew that I was injured, knew there was pain, but chose not to react to it. This makes it hard for me to understand why people keep using shock as an answer, and not just the fact that someone can choose how they will respond to a painful situation.
I paused a moment while writing this to look at the scar on my thumb.
After months of being alone. Hurt by two more women, my own actions, and even a few more bumps and scrapes along the way, I chooes to learn from this pain and continue to bee the happy and cheerful person I want to be. Some days won't be as cheerful. I won't have the energy. But then that will go away and once again I will feel upbeat and on top of the world. That is the person I am. And I know this bothers people, but I think it bothers people who can't deal with their own emotions, problems and pain.
Their day will come.
For me, my new life starts now...
