I’ll rest in 2013

So this will be my last Blog for 2011. And it’s a whopper. So, sit back and relax, read at your own pace, and we’ll get through this together, I promise. Hehe.

Relationships:

“What’s this, Greg? You’re going to talk about Relationships? You never talk about your loneliness, your desire to have someone constantly in your life, or publicly display your desperate need for affection,” says you, reading this with a sarcastic tone to your brain. But here is the thing. I really am an outgoing personality. I don’t mind expressing personal issues in my life. I just generally don’t like to mention names or anything that would directly get people in trouble. So we’ll see how this one goes…

So the topic leads off with thus - I have made the choice not to date during the entire year of 2012. This is somewhat of a New Year’s Resolution. But I honestly think those are trendy and people don’t take that kind of change seriously when they make a trendy choice. The goal in this case this is to take control of my social life and put it aside for the sake of my work life. One of the main reasons behind my artwork and books not being completed over the years is because of depression and loneliness. And part of being lonely is my constant need for someone to be in my life.

As an issue that would affect me daily, 365 days a year, before my marriage and especially after my marriage ended, I would wake up every day wishing I had someone laying there next to me. I had a wonderful 6 months with my recent ex-girlfriend who, while definitely a great person at heart, and was fun to be with, was just not right for me in the end.

So now in the past eight months or so I’ve been once again battling depression and feeling alone, along with the constant feeling of co-dependency. And during this time I’ve had people in my life, and even a therapist, telling me I need to work on this issue - that it was making me give off an attitude of desperation and being clingy with every new girl I would meet. And that kind attitude can apparently turn women away. It wasn’t until it finally clicked in my head and I fully understood the feeling, and not just the words people would tell me, where I had finally decided to take charge of these feelings instead of letting them take charge of me. The literal “Light Bulb” over my head clicked on.

The F word: Friend - So the most common frustration when it comes to women for me is being friends. From the time I turned 18 all the way up until a few weeks ago, I have probably made friends with as many as a hundred girls over the years. Maybe even more. But let us just say it was an even 100 girls. I would say about 90 of those girls are women I am attracted to. (90% for those desperate for me to do some math. hehe). Let me share with you a YouTube video someone posted on Facebook the other day and see if we can’t touch partially on why this is an issue for the Greg:

Now I won’t necessarily claim this video contained factual scientific research. But the basic point is made; guys generally do not want to be friends with women.  Most of the time, (not always) the guy hangs around the girl because he is attracted to her. At the very least I can say this is true of myself. If you are a girl who was my friend and you are reading this right now, chances are I wanted to date you. Most likely though, you already know this. It never took long for me to spazz-out at some point and admit my feelings to a girl. Which in turn made my friendships awkward. Thus ending most of those friendships. Especially the ones I made in the last two years.

So the biggest frustration for me is the fact that I end up being around girls I like, who only want to be my friend.  And who do they call upon when their relationships fail; me. I give them an ear. Comfort them and show them that there is a guy out there who cares and can be there for them. But, do they then give me a chance to be in a relationship with them? Nope. Do I blame them? Well, I honestly used to. It used to frustrate me every time it happened to the point of falling asleep crying, wondering why the world was so unfair to me. I was not a confident guy growing up. And as time went on, I became needy, desperate and clingy and until recently, all I could do was blame the women for not giving me a chance.  Or be angry at God or some higher presence for constantly dealing me a crappy hand in life. And all these events pushed me to a breaking point these last few months

It has pretty much taken 15 years to get a better understanding on all of this. So much so, that now I’m trying to wipe out years of knowledge and experience, so that I can start over with a better understanding.  And it hasn’t been easy at all. The most recent situation with a girl “friend” hurt me so deeply that I stayed up several nights in a row crying because I fell so hard for her, yet I knew it was right to let her go. And I was sad because once again I didn’t get to have someone I cared passionately for.  

Angry at the world, pounding my fists on the headboard of my bed, I let out that overbearing emotion.  And then… towards the end of these two days, I was fed up. I had told myself two months ago already that I was done, and then once again I fell deeply in love with a “friend.”  So much that when we had the inevitable cut-off point I had to tell her that I couldn’t even be her friend because I didn’t want to make her new boyfriend uncomfortable with me being around.  Because the obvious eventuality of where I wanted things will go would not only hurt me, but hurt this new relationship she was forming with someone else.  

Do I blame her for any of this?  Hell no!  She’s following her heart.  I followed mine, and it wasn’t reciprocated.  And so I sit here realizing that if I were to keep playing the “sob story” every time this happened to me, I would continue living a pathetic life. And I’m done with that choice.

And so I moved closer to deciding that I will not be dating for an entire year. But not before one more issue…

I’ll share with you a recent situation that, along with the “Friend” situation, had pushed me to the breaking point, leading up to this decision - I finally signed up for a dating site. Zoosk.com. Now I’ve had a profile on Zoosk already, but you have to pay them money to read the messages and flirts and what not between you and other users. So the week of Thanksgiving I finally decided “why not?” And so I paid for a month subscription, went on there and started looking at profiles. Naturally you see a photo and then go from there. A lot of photos really turned me off. Some were just ungodly unattractive and I wanted to send a message to these girls telling them how to take a better photo. And the others were either obviously fake accounts or I felt if they were real, they were way out of my league. So when I finally found the ones that I thought were interesting enough, I sent them a flirt or a message. I was honest and said I was skeptical of how some of the profiles might be fake and that I was hoping to find real people on there to chat and get to know better. Eventually I sent around 20 messages sent out.

To my surprise, later in the evening, I got a response.  The first day?  It was a girl telling me to call her and she left her cell number in the message.  I was still skeptical.  I had figured that this was just a fake account to get me to call a sex-line and not a real person. But the number was local. So to test it out, I texted the number instead of calling. “Hey, this is Greg from Zoosk.”  A few minutes later, I got a response. “Greg?” And then followed by “Mocktales?” Because I forgot I actually made my account the name of my comic book. (No discrete dating for this guy. Hehe). Anyhow, so we started a texting conversation to get to know one another. Asking the basic questions. “Testing the field” as it were. And she had asked if we could talk. I was still nervous so I said I was busy with work and could only text.

I finally got the courage to call about 10:00pm and that was when things got really interesting. She had told me that she thought I was hot and kept looking back at my photo. Wanted to know which photo was current (I had one photo with short hair from a year ago and one with my current long hair). After I said long hair, but stated I wanted to cut it in April, she was telling me I shouldn’t. That she thought it was really hot. This girl was really expressing how much she was into me physically. I never get that kind of attention from a girl I like and it felt great. And she constantly throughout the phone call said she kept looking back at my photo. I was both flattered and starting to get a little paranoid because I thought it was too good to be true to find such a nice person the first night on a dating site.

Then she started sending me photos. Now, her profile photo was very cute. Got the glasses-thing going on and I thought she looked adorable. (This was why I initially sent her a message.) But then she texted me a clear profile bust shot (from waist to head) and I couldn’t believe it. She was gorgeous! I was very thankful I had gotten to know her personality first, because she was not only attractive as a person, but very physically attractive too. Then some other photos followed that were very… VERY flattering. And so the phone call went on until 1:00am in which we were getting along very well. We even got a little hot and heavy and had some fun and - I’ll leave it at that. But we ended the night happy to have talked to each other and discussed possibly meeting for coffee that following Saturday if she was free from family obligations. She said she would call me around noon on Thanksgiving and let me know. I fell asleep contently feeling very good about Dating Sites thanks to this one particular person.

Thanksgiving arrived. My goal for the day was to go and get the kids in the afternoon and then come back to a wonderful dinner with the household I live with. But I was feeling very good about the person I had met the night before. So I sent her a follow-up text saying how grateful I was to meet someone so nice on the site and wished her a fun time with her family and a Happy Thanksgiving. No answer. But no worries, I had my hands full with the kids and we had a great day and she was off to her own family gig.

Black Friday; (really wish they would change the name of this day). So I grabbed the kids and we started heading back to the south area to meet up with a friend to stay at their place for the evening. The roommates were having a party and so I didn’t want to burden them with the kids. As we waited for the bus, I got a text back from my Zoosk girl telling me she was hung over from too much turkey and that she was out shopping with her mom. I said a few kind words, sent her another picture of myself in a nice sweater, to which she complimented me again for sending. And then I asked once more; “How was meeting for coffee on Saturday looking?”  She replied “Not sure. There is talk of a cabin.” And that was the last I ever heard from her.

I texted on Saturday to see if she was available. No response. I called once to leave a friendly message. No answer. So then I felt I was being too pushy. Everyone tells me don’t be pushy, let it happen or you’ll push a girl away. But then other people tell me to take chances and don’t hesitate, seize the moment! I had gotten to the point where I thought this person was really into me, that I thought it was okay to text her as much as I did. And maybe it was too much. Maybe I forced the issue and ruined my chances. Maybe she and her family did go out for a weekend getaway and was busy. I can’t fault anyone for spending time with their family. But I’ll never know, because she never responded.

So a week later, maybe one or two messages since, I finally decided to try one last time to see if she was free for the following Saturday. Again, no response. I ended up meeting with a friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen in many years. And the conversation came up about whether I was dating anyone. I brought up the situation with the girl from Zoosk. And this friend isn’t exactly the most tactful friend. He grabbed my phone when I wasn’t looking, got this girl’s number, and called it. I came back into the room and he’s on the phone. No answer. And so he tells me what he did. “If I call from my phone, and she answers, she’s avoiding your calls, Bro. But if she doesn’t answer, there is a possibility that she is still out of town or busy.” Not completely logical, but I get what he was trying to do. And then, he gets a text on his phone. “Who is this?”  Still holding my phone, my friend calls her number and hands me my phone. “There you go, Bro. Her phone works. She don’t answer, her fool-ass is ignoring ya.” As you can see, my friend is not the most clear-speaking kind of individual. Hehe.

No answer. Instead of leaving a message, I just discouragingly hung up. This was mere moments after her text. There was no doubt at this point; she was ignoring me. I told my friend to delete her number and to just forget it. But he was already trying to text her back with some wild scheme that he was accidentally texting another friend or something.  I told him to just let it go. That I was done. This was a lost cause and the situation is already getting way out of control as it is. And in return, I called her again, left her an apology message about my friend and told her I was deleting her number and done.

In the span of a week my hopes were lifted and then fell back down to earth about the reality of things. And by the following week after that, I realized I was done with dating for a long time. I don’t have the knowledge or energy to play dating games. To try and understand “what women want?” In all the time I would spend trying to date and get to know women, I could be spending that time finishing my artwork, saving money, and going somewhere in my life. Which had been wasted already in the last ten or more years. And in the end, the right kind of girl will know why I sacrifice my time in order to make a better future for myself and eventually for my kids when they can spend more time with their Father as well.

And a little word of advice to you ladies… no, not just ladies - to people in general; if you’re signing up for a dating site or someone is obviously contacting you for the purposes of dating, give them the decency to tell them that you’re not interested any more. Don’t leave them hanging. And on the other hand, if someone doesn’t call you back, don’t dwell on why. Just accept and move on. In the end, it sucks not to hear back from someone you’re interested in. But it also sucks to assume that things are “meant to be” just because you had one “good” night or conversation with someone special.

Now for the important stuff… (Silly women…)

MockTales – Books and Artwork:

First off, Project Molten – Originally I wanted to get this book done by October 2011. But some of the test prints have come out off-color and I have to re-adjust. On top of that, finishing all the design work has taken me a lot longer than I originally planned. In addition to wanting to give up because of the (what I now realize as silly relationship depression thing), I’ve put myself back into working hard and finishing the book.

Changes – I am taking out the 10-page preview of MockTales: The Adventures of Tim Garn. This is due to how close the book is going to come out along with this first issue due to the delay. So with that space I am putting in more concept and design work. Maybe some more photography. We’ll see how it all looks as I piece it together. I will be going out to take more photos this week.

Legal stuff – I am going to be talking to someone about a few legal issues concerning the book. Don’t worry, no one is after me and I’m not after anyone else. But I want to lock down some things with a lawyer before I start really soliciting the books and bringing them out to everyone. I’m not going to lie, I wish and dream my stories would get well-known enough to get a movie deal or cartoon or something mass-media. But I know the reality of things as well. So this step is towards being prepared and I feel it only costs me a little time and money now to ensure a proper future for the product later.

General Outlook/Future of MockTales – I am going to be looking to do the following for the first quarter of 2012:

MockTales: Project Molten – To be out by MegaCon, February 2012. I will be trying to bring a few copies to the show for people even though (at this time) I don‘t have a table at the show.

MockTles: Ashcan Preview Re-print – I will be re-printing the Ashcan I did with Rob Hicks’ artwork that we brought out a couple years ago. This time it will be a full size comic format with a couple extra goodies inside. Right now I am looking for an early March release for this book. And then I will be bringing plenty of copies to Emerald City Comic Con and other shows through the year.

MockTales: The Adventures of Tim Garn – The first full release comic book I’m going for. We are bringing this book out at Emerald City Comic Con 2012, March 30, 31^st and April 1^st. I will most likely have the book on sale at the show so I can get it to as many people who are interested in it. And then if all goes well, it will be available to order online or at Comic Stores interested in picking up a few stacks. And obviously and subsequent shows afterwards.

MockTales: Doctor Demolition – A 1-shot book slated for Fall/Winter of 2012. Right now I am working out deals with who the artist will be on this book. But I will announce that as soon as I finishing working those details out. This book will be “testing the waters” to see if people are interested in expansion stories for the MockTales/Nexus Earth comic universe. If there is enough positive feedback, then I will slowly start expanding to my other stories as well as time, money and interest allows.

Conventions 2012:

The following is my current convention list for 2012. I have a small code to show what I will be doing at each show:

(A)   Attendee, no booth or table

(E)  Exhibiting at a booth or table

(M) MockTales booth with someone else working it.

Wizard World New Orleans, Louisiana – (A) January 27^th – 28^th. I will be helping my friend Jason Metcalf at his table. Stop by and support Jason at the show and see us both!

MegaCon ,Orlando, Florida – (A) February. Once again helping Jason Metcalf and attending this show with my own stuff. I am pushing for a table of my own, but they are sold out. I will update if I get one. Otherwise I will be walking around with books and meeting people while also helping Jason occasionally.

Emerald City Comic Con, Seattle, Washington – (E) March 30, 31^st and April 1^st. This is the big show for me. Bringing out all the books at this one. I will be set up in Artist Alley again and can’t wait to show everyone what I have in store for them. I will also be trying to do some video at the show and getting tons more photos. Keep an eye out for the MockTales Girls walking around giving out fliers and coupons.

C2E2, Chicago, Illinois – (E) April 13^th to 15th.

Spokane Comic Con, Spokane, Washington – (E) May 19th.

Phoenix Comic Con, Phoenix, Arizona – (E) May 24^th to 27^th.

Crypticon, Seatac, Washington – (M) May 25^th to 27^th.

San Diego Comic Con, San Diego, California – (A) July 12^th to 15^th.

Wizard World Chicago, Chicago, Illinois (E) August 9^th to 12^th.

Dragon*Con, Atlanta, Georgia – (A) August 31^st to September 3^rd.

New York Comic Con, New York City, New York – (E) October 11^th to 14^th. Looking to bring out MockTales: Doctor Demolition at this show.

My New Campaign:

“I’ll rest in 2013”, my new campaign slogan for 2012 - where I plan to focus on working hard for everything I want in life.

I will be working hard at my day job to clean up my debt, save up enough money so I don’t have to rent a room anymore and get a place of my own, and provide more for my kids because they deserve everything they need. The job I work at has great pay, good benefits and is secure. Or as secure as you can be in this day and age. And I am grateful to have this job. So why not work hard, right?

I will be working hard on my own personal self-growth. Putting aside my wants and desires for someone in my life. Creating a stronger Greg who will be able to handle anything in life by himself. And after this year of self-growth, then I will be seeking out someone who is equally strong in their own self-growth.

I will be working hard on this dream I have put off for so long. My comic book. My story. Those silly little ideas I have had in the back of my head ever since I was able to consciously think. All of it will finally come into fruition in 2012. And in order to do this, I cannot sleep-in on days off. I cannot take a day off, period. I cannot rest… in 2012. So, I’ll rest in 2013.