So I took a week to cool off a bit. Clear my head and get some things into perspective. This weekend is my first official change over to day shift at work, so it feels really good to get some sleep and be awake when my family wants to have me close by.
The hardest hitting topic for me right now... the passing of Michael Turner (Fathom, Witchblade, Aspen Comics). A brilliant comic book artist who was not only battling cancer, but continued to enjoy the things he loved in life AND draw comic books on a regular basis.
I'm feeling a bit selfish now. Complaining about how tough life has been for me. While I won't take any of that back, I can still do better. Michael Turner did his best. Why can't I?
I went to my boffer group (Padded weapon fighting) Saturday fully rested and energetic. The heat got up to 88 degrees by mid-day, and I was running around in boots having a great time. I felt good. I FEEL good now. All this season I had been slowly walking around the field, maybe hitting a person every 5 or 6 battles. No energy. Barely any running. And by the end of the day I would be so zoned out, I'm surprised when I get home and I hadn't driven off the road. Amazing what the proper amount of sleep can do for you.
Maybe this is a new weekend. A new week. A new day. Right here and now, I can stand up for what I want in life. Live MY life to it's fullest. Do everything that I have ever wanted to do, and tell people to "Fuck Off!" when they tell me I can't.
Day 1... starts here
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Bitter much?
Okay, so I title this "Bitter much?" However, I don't think I'm honestly bitter, as much as I am really just finding out more and more about how I shouldn't expect anything in life. Anything at all.
I get a lot of crap for not getting my comic book done, despite working 40-50 hours a week and getting 4-5 hours of sleep between each work shift. There is more, but nobody is reading this shit anyways. See, I want to get my comic book done. I want to draw for a living. I want to entertain people with my stories and ideas. But I honestly don't have the professional quality or training needed to pull it off sucessfully. And I can already hear the crap that people keep telling me "Don't say that, your stuff rocks." or "Don't listen to those people, they don't know what real art is." Give me a fucking break everybody. My art sucks. I can't draw anything in a professional quality, I have a vague understanding of the human anatomy, I only want to draw women and I get enough shit for that. I don't understand lighting and design. I mean, what the fuck am I thinking? Why even bother? How the hell do I expect to even get a damn comic book going?
Am I bitter much? I wouldn't say bitter... just accepting reality. This comic book just isn't going to happen.
I get a lot of crap for not getting my comic book done, despite working 40-50 hours a week and getting 4-5 hours of sleep between each work shift. There is more, but nobody is reading this shit anyways. See, I want to get my comic book done. I want to draw for a living. I want to entertain people with my stories and ideas. But I honestly don't have the professional quality or training needed to pull it off sucessfully. And I can already hear the crap that people keep telling me "Don't say that, your stuff rocks." or "Don't listen to those people, they don't know what real art is." Give me a fucking break everybody. My art sucks. I can't draw anything in a professional quality, I have a vague understanding of the human anatomy, I only want to draw women and I get enough shit for that. I don't understand lighting and design. I mean, what the fuck am I thinking? Why even bother? How the hell do I expect to even get a damn comic book going?
Am I bitter much? I wouldn't say bitter... just accepting reality. This comic book just isn't going to happen.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Slightly Aligned Synapsis
Holy crap!? Two blogs in one week, what are the odds?? I received good news from my job announcing that I am now moving back to my old position with Monday through Fridays, day shift. This will ease up the tension in my family and sleep hours, and will hopefully lead towards a lower blood pressure and better health type living.
With these recent changes I will now be able to schedule out my artwork and plan out what projects I need to finish and work on. Recently I did a quick drawing of my main character, Tim Garn (above) and I feel like I didn't even put any effort into it at all. I'm kinda bummed about it.
But regardless, I press on with some good news. I have a whole assortment of projects lined up that I hope to be able to announce by the end of the month. With these new projects I will also be announcing artists, models and photographers who will be jumping in to help get things going. Some people are volunteering, others I've had to hire. Either way, if all goes well I will be able to get MockTales.com fully updated, upgraded and up and running by July 2008. This includes character descriptions, story previews, online comics, and even a wiki full of information about the Comic Book Universe of Nexus Earth.
The other projects, I don't want to announce too much about because I want to make sure I can get everything rolling. I can say however that I am putting together my adult site version of MockTales. While MockTales is a PG-13 to R rated style book and web site, the new site will be R rated to NC-17 and slightly softcore. I have no wishes to do full-on adult site work, showing intercourse or extreme vulgarity. There are plenty of sites out there for that, and that ain't my bag... baby. This new site will end up being a "members only" site and will require people to pay. However, I am still working this all out, so a bit of patience if you will. Thanks
If anyone reads this knows people who are doing photography or who model, and would be interested in helping out. Please tell them to send me email. mocktales@gmail.com
I ask in good faith about getting artists and models because I know there are people out there just like me who are struggling to find their way. To express themselves. (I said express, not expose. We'll talk about exposing myself after I get to comfortably stop working security. Thanks) Artisticly I see people all over the world on Deviantart.com, MySpace, Blogs, comic sites... ect. I see the talent out there. And with 6.8 billion people in the world (and growing), there are so many different ways people want to get their ideas out to the rest of us. I'm the same way. I have my ideas. I have my dreams. I want to share these with everyone and anyone I can possibly entertain.
I'll leave tonight's blog with this; if we are truly the masters of our own destiny, and mind really does work over matter, then what the hell is it that is preventing me from doing what I truly want to do in life... other than myself?
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Mis-fired Synapsis
I don't know why... I just can't seem to write a weekly blog. I think part of it is due to laziness and the other part is a side of me that doesn't want to "just let it all out." As someone who has always tried to listen to other people's problems, I found myself learning way too much about them. Personal information that, thankfully for them, I feel other people don't really need to know about.
But where do I draw the line on keeping all this information? And when the hell do "I" get to get these things off my chest without people telling me that I'm just bitching and complaining? Something like a blog is usually a good place to just write and let it all out. "To hell with the consequences." Right? Well in the same respect, I come back to that conflict where someone will read these things and the trust that others have put in me to keep their words silent may be broken. So this sucks.
";alskdjfivna'/zeignsa sear 14." Roughly translated "What the &$#@ should I do?"
I do not comprehend the world the same way as the rest of you. *points to the other 6.8 billion people on the planet* But to narrow it down, I've come to realize that even the most common things in life that people take for granted, I don't comprehend. People use to make fun of me for this lack of knowledge. And for this, I would shelter myself away, keep quiet around crowds, be shy and timid, take no action when action is needed. What else was I to do? I didn't know what questions to ask in order to learn the things that people commonly knew. I was a living paradox. I still feel I am to this day. I am easily emotional. I care about things that no one else cares about, but I don't care about things that people DO care about. ? ?
If you haven't figured out by now that I am just typing all of this as it comes out in my head, well... now you know. Am I being truthful? Yes. I believe myself to be one of the most truthful people I know. I see no reason to lie to anyone. I have had my fair share of Fish stories in the past, and I don't really feel happy knowing that I have embellished the truth. I think people should be happy with the way things are, without the white lies or exaggerating the truth. In fact, since I am on the subject, I am so sick and tired of people telling fish stories. While I won't mention names, I have to say the biggest Fish story culture I've been a part of is the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms). The SCA in itself is cool, and I love getting away and camping out in a medieval environment for the weekend. And I can understand people telling a story about a made up character that they are role-playing. But when people just can't let it go. When people don't understand that they they are being too far fetched... then it just gets on my nerves. And if they see that you're not believing their story, they push it further! WTF?!
And another thing, since I seem to be on a rant now; I am SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of people interrupting me when I'm talking about something. There is nothing more frustrating than to finally have people listening to me talk about a subject... to finally have the courage to talk to crowds of people... and to even have those people laughing at the jokes I tell, or ask me to tell them more about what I am talking about.... only to have someone cut in and interupt me. I had a situation not too long ago I was entertaining at least 12 people. They were laughing at my jokes, and for the shy and timid person I am, I was able to let loose and finally open up and have fun. Then all of a sudden something just HAD to happen which pulled everyone away and put a glum on the rest of the night. No one was having fun any more. No one wanted to talk to each other any more. And my weekend... ruined because someone couldn't just chill the fuck out, calm down and enjoy the evening. The situation was overblown, people flipped out when they didn't need to. ARg.... I can't explain without telling names, places and such. So I'll just stop here.
There is so much more that I can't really say without being able to just open up and let loose. Plus I don't know if anyone is even reading this. I don't know what to do with a lot of things in my life. I would like to keep working hard and and "Keep on truck'n" as people keep telling me to do. I have all these dreams and goals in my life. First and formost these days, my wife and kids come first. But I know there are so many people out there that are supporting their families with their skills.... why not me? Why can't I get my shit together and draw professionally; with better anatomy, better design, better work eithics, better... ugh... better everything. I feel that drawing is the only skill I truly have that I can make any kind of living with, and yet I can't seem to get it together. I can't seem to just.... CLICK. Why can't I click... ON, like a light switch. Why can't my damn synapsis fire and give me that light bulb above my head that says "AH HA, I GET IT NOW!" Well I don't get it. I fear I will never get it. In order for me to get anywhere with my artwork on a professional level I will have to step it up even further. Work hard. Work harder. Not hard enough, well damn it WORK HARDER!
Fin.... for now
But where do I draw the line on keeping all this information? And when the hell do "I" get to get these things off my chest without people telling me that I'm just bitching and complaining? Something like a blog is usually a good place to just write and let it all out. "To hell with the consequences." Right? Well in the same respect, I come back to that conflict where someone will read these things and the trust that others have put in me to keep their words silent may be broken. So this sucks.
";alskdjfivna'/zeignsa sear 14." Roughly translated "What the &$#@ should I do?"
I do not comprehend the world the same way as the rest of you. *points to the other 6.8 billion people on the planet* But to narrow it down, I've come to realize that even the most common things in life that people take for granted, I don't comprehend. People use to make fun of me for this lack of knowledge. And for this, I would shelter myself away, keep quiet around crowds, be shy and timid, take no action when action is needed. What else was I to do? I didn't know what questions to ask in order to learn the things that people commonly knew. I was a living paradox. I still feel I am to this day. I am easily emotional. I care about things that no one else cares about, but I don't care about things that people DO care about. ? ?
If you haven't figured out by now that I am just typing all of this as it comes out in my head, well... now you know. Am I being truthful? Yes. I believe myself to be one of the most truthful people I know. I see no reason to lie to anyone. I have had my fair share of Fish stories in the past, and I don't really feel happy knowing that I have embellished the truth. I think people should be happy with the way things are, without the white lies or exaggerating the truth. In fact, since I am on the subject, I am so sick and tired of people telling fish stories. While I won't mention names, I have to say the biggest Fish story culture I've been a part of is the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms). The SCA in itself is cool, and I love getting away and camping out in a medieval environment for the weekend. And I can understand people telling a story about a made up character that they are role-playing. But when people just can't let it go. When people don't understand that they they are being too far fetched... then it just gets on my nerves. And if they see that you're not believing their story, they push it further! WTF?!
And another thing, since I seem to be on a rant now; I am SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of people interrupting me when I'm talking about something. There is nothing more frustrating than to finally have people listening to me talk about a subject... to finally have the courage to talk to crowds of people... and to even have those people laughing at the jokes I tell, or ask me to tell them more about what I am talking about.... only to have someone cut in and interupt me. I had a situation not too long ago I was entertaining at least 12 people. They were laughing at my jokes, and for the shy and timid person I am, I was able to let loose and finally open up and have fun. Then all of a sudden something just HAD to happen which pulled everyone away and put a glum on the rest of the night. No one was having fun any more. No one wanted to talk to each other any more. And my weekend... ruined because someone couldn't just chill the fuck out, calm down and enjoy the evening. The situation was overblown, people flipped out when they didn't need to. ARg.... I can't explain without telling names, places and such. So I'll just stop here.
There is so much more that I can't really say without being able to just open up and let loose. Plus I don't know if anyone is even reading this. I don't know what to do with a lot of things in my life. I would like to keep working hard and and "Keep on truck'n" as people keep telling me to do. I have all these dreams and goals in my life. First and formost these days, my wife and kids come first. But I know there are so many people out there that are supporting their families with their skills.... why not me? Why can't I get my shit together and draw professionally; with better anatomy, better design, better work eithics, better... ugh... better everything. I feel that drawing is the only skill I truly have that I can make any kind of living with, and yet I can't seem to get it together. I can't seem to just.... CLICK. Why can't I click... ON, like a light switch. Why can't my damn synapsis fire and give me that light bulb above my head that says "AH HA, I GET IT NOW!" Well I don't get it. I fear I will never get it. In order for me to get anywhere with my artwork on a professional level I will have to step it up even further. Work hard. Work harder. Not hard enough, well damn it WORK HARDER!
Fin.... for now
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