So.... holy crap its almost the end of 2010 and it has now been a year since my wife left.
I wanted to write briefly about my feelings lately. As you can imagine, 5-6 years worth of a relationship either married or just being with someone you love is hard to let go. Part of you wants to jump for joy at the sign of freedom. The other part of you misses the person that you had loved so dearly and would have done just anything for.
Learning to deal with these emotions can have a tremendous effect on someone throughout their daily lives. The depression can make it hard to follow through on commitments. Organization and "giving a damn" goes out the window. And people who have been depending on you, are let down to the point where they have no more faith in you.
Yesterday I left a message on my Deviant Art page and I will follow up with that here; I am effectively cancelling my launch of MockTales for late October/beginning of November 2010. When will the book be out? At this time I just don't know. I'm not giving up, but I just can't make the deadline I set for myself. The deadline that I keep setting over and over since 2004. Every year I say I'm drawing this book. Every year I tell people it is just a few months away. Every year since I started selling artwork at the Emerald City Comic Con, I would tell people it's almost here. And every year, I let people down. Including myself.
The idea was this; that I would move out of my apartment in Lakewood, and move into a room for rent either with my Niece, or eventually where I ended up living now, at a room for rent in Seattle. Since I have moved into this new place, my old life has been slowly drifting away, making room for my new life. I have met some of the most amazing people in the last year or so. And more recently, in the last 6 months, I feel like I have fallen in love all over again. Fallen in love with life, my mind, my art, my writing, and even with a woman who means a great deal to me. Where all of this will go, I just don't know. I'll read back on this in five years and tell you then. But for once, I'm not scared or afraid. Should I be? Am I too numb to feel afraid any more?
Someone had once told me, that when my wife slammed my thumb in between the door-frame and the car door (accidentally of course) that the reason I was not freaking or lashing out in anger because I was in shock. I've heard people say this so many times, but never understood it. I had complete access to my thoughts and actions and knew that I was injured, knew there was pain, but chose not to react to it. This makes it hard for me to understand why people keep using shock as an answer, and not just the fact that someone can choose how they will respond to a painful situation.
I paused a moment while writing this to look at the scar on my thumb.
After months of being alone. Hurt by two more women, my own actions, and even a few more bumps and scrapes along the way, I chooes to learn from this pain and continue to bee the happy and cheerful person I want to be. Some days won't be as cheerful. I won't have the energy. But then that will go away and once again I will feel upbeat and on top of the world. That is the person I am. And I know this bothers people, but I think it bothers people who can't deal with their own emotions, problems and pain.
Their day will come.
For me, my new life starts now...
Monday, September 20, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Lost some of that steam
Never got around to writing this. But figured the title was important since my December 2009 blog.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Full Steam Ahead!
Today I released the pencils for my Demon Lord drawing at my Deviant Art page (http://mocktales.deviantart.com). This kick-starts the onslaught that will be MockTales artwork and previews all month long in December, while I finish drawing the pages for MockTales Issue #1. Then I move over to Colors and final production in January. I'm fighting hard to keep this book extra large so everyone has a lot of goodies to get out of it when I bring it to the public. Can't wait to show everyone what else I've got coming done the line.
This is an exciting time for me. Lots of personal issues that still need to be cleared out of the way. But, I am upbeat, optimistic and energized to get this sucker going. I've tackled a lot of depression and demons, and now that I'm getting out of this funk I hope to really bring something special to the table.
Tonight: I decide on final format of the book and then I hit the town run'n. If I can work the format out right, I think the book will be good both in print as well as online.
This is an exciting time for me. Lots of personal issues that still need to be cleared out of the way. But, I am upbeat, optimistic and energized to get this sucker going. I've tackled a lot of depression and demons, and now that I'm getting out of this funk I hope to really bring something special to the table.
Tonight: I decide on final format of the book and then I hit the town run'n. If I can work the format out right, I think the book will be good both in print as well as online.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Organization Day + a YouTube Review
Organization Day - So today is Organization Day when I get home from work this evening. I'll be planning out the next 60-90 days both in my personal life and with MockTales and the Elves Next Door.
For those just tuning in; MockTales is a comic book I am writing/pencilling/coloring, and putting out at the Emerald City Comic Con in March 2010. You can read more on this book at http://mocktales.com/. The Elves Next Door is the more "adult" oriented website for the MockTales characters and can be found at http://elvesnextdoor.com/.
So back to Organization; it looks to be a fun night tonight. If you can call organization fun. I plan on getting a couple hours sleep before hand, but I will then be up into the late hours making sure I get a game plan finished and in place to start Wednesday when I am done with my work week.
YouTube REVIEW! - (Just a reminder; my reviews are always posative and about something I like, unless otherwise mentioned)
I thought I would have fun with a YouTube Review to go along with today's blog. Today's Review is of "Ryan vs. Dorkman II". To recap; the initial fan film, "Ryan vs. Dorkman", by Ryan Wieber and Michael "Dorkman" Scott, was an entry to TheForce.net's lightsabre fan film contest in which both men (boys at the time) faught with light sabres, no wardrobe or exotic scenery. However, how the fan film was shot and the choreography is what sold their first piece. With such a high praise from their first encounter, a second film was created with even more donational support, amazing effects and of course the wonderful choreography that Ryan and Michael brought us in the first film.
With Ryan vs. Dorkman II you get more bang for your buck, in my opinion. The two creators/actors are now older looking and more determined and dedicated in this film. Once again set in plain clothes and located in a warehouse/factory type setting, the film now has many exciting moments you would want to see in a light sabre battle such as cutting through metal stairs and support beams, sabres melting into walls and equipment. Sparks shooting from the wet floor as a distractionary tactic, and of course who doesn't love the battle between two people using the force fighting over control of one object?
See for yourself below. I have linked to Michael "Dorkman" Scott's Official YouTube copy of the flim. If you ever wanted to create your own homemade light sabre battles, these guys are a great example of what do to to make a good flick!
For those just tuning in; MockTales is a comic book I am writing/pencilling/coloring, and putting out at the Emerald City Comic Con in March 2010. You can read more on this book at http://mocktales.com/. The Elves Next Door is the more "adult" oriented website for the MockTales characters and can be found at http://elvesnextdoor.com/.
So back to Organization; it looks to be a fun night tonight. If you can call organization fun. I plan on getting a couple hours sleep before hand, but I will then be up into the late hours making sure I get a game plan finished and in place to start Wednesday when I am done with my work week.
YouTube REVIEW! - (Just a reminder; my reviews are always posative and about something I like, unless otherwise mentioned)
I thought I would have fun with a YouTube Review to go along with today's blog. Today's Review is of "Ryan vs. Dorkman II". To recap; the initial fan film, "Ryan vs. Dorkman", by Ryan Wieber and Michael "Dorkman" Scott, was an entry to TheForce.net's lightsabre fan film contest in which both men (boys at the time) faught with light sabres, no wardrobe or exotic scenery. However, how the fan film was shot and the choreography is what sold their first piece. With such a high praise from their first encounter, a second film was created with even more donational support, amazing effects and of course the wonderful choreography that Ryan and Michael brought us in the first film.
With Ryan vs. Dorkman II you get more bang for your buck, in my opinion. The two creators/actors are now older looking and more determined and dedicated in this film. Once again set in plain clothes and located in a warehouse/factory type setting, the film now has many exciting moments you would want to see in a light sabre battle such as cutting through metal stairs and support beams, sabres melting into walls and equipment. Sparks shooting from the wet floor as a distractionary tactic, and of course who doesn't love the battle between two people using the force fighting over control of one object?
See for yourself below. I have linked to Michael "Dorkman" Scott's Official YouTube copy of the flim. If you ever wanted to create your own homemade light sabre battles, these guys are a great example of what do to to make a good flick!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The crazyness that is life...
So things are pretty good today. I had a really crappy Monday morning and was pretty drained from the past weekend. However, Monday afternoon changed all of that, as well as Tuesday (last) night. I have a good friend in my life now that is helping me focus and get back on track with MockTales, as well as life in general. People like this deserve all the gratitude in the world when they take time out of their lives to help others. Think about that today when you get the chance. Do you have someone in your life, even in a small way, that has helped you get through tough times? Did you thank them?
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and there are a great many things I am thankfull for lately. One of the biggest right now is this friend.
-Greg
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and there are a great many things I am thankfull for lately. One of the biggest right now is this friend.
-Greg
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Return of the Blog
So I'm back to writing in this thing. The last time I wrote here I was talking about my life changing into a new direction. Not very descriptively though.
Well here is the deal; 1 year and 4 months later after my last blog I am now going through a divorce with my wife, ending our five years together as husband and wife. I am now alone in my apartment with debt pouring out of my ears and no one to seek comfort from in my time of need. However... I'm not massively in debt and honestly with a good 6 months of hard work I will be out of the clear and on top of things as long as I stick to it and work hard.
Since the initial stages of my divorce (starting back in August), I have been trying to figure a game plan out. What is the best way to be a father to my three wonderful children and continue to strive towards doing the things I want to do in life? I work a 40 hour a week job and I'm greatful that I make the salary that I make. I'm very lucky in that aspect. And if I can get all my ducks lined up in a row, I should be able to do what I want in life while being responsible at the same time.
I'm still trying hard to get MockTales drawn and out to the public. At this point I have a 1st issue planned to be printed by March 2010 and debuting at the Emerald City Comic Con here in Seattle. However, I have been trying to do this for the last, what, 8 years? Since I moved to Wisconsin after September 11th, I tried to put some sort of focus in my life towards my artwork. And after the emotional rollercoaster of the year 2001, I had come up with a concept for a comic book that I wanted to bring to the world; MockTales. I took everything I had sketched and planned out in my head with various ideas over the previous years and finally had a concept that I felt would work. This version of MockTales was relevant to me because of what I went through in my life at the time. However, since then I have been through five years of marriage and I now have three kids, and as mentioned above, I am now going through a divorce. So where does that leave MockTales; well I've started a revamped version of my intial script and story. And I think I've amped it up 150%. I feel more confident about the direction I'm taking the book. I think the story achieved more purpose and direction. And my artwork in the last 2 months, let alone the last 2-5 years has never been better (if I may be so bold).
So thats not the whole story. And unfortunately you won't get the whole story on this blog. But essentially I'm having a night where I was able to pour my heart out to someone very important to me and that person let me get a lot out this evening. I feel better every time I get to emotionally express myself. Most of the time I'm hiding back watery eyes because I think I have some sort of issue where they water up when I talk about something serious. I've been meaning to see a Doctor all these years about it. Maybe I'm really a woman and no one told me? Haha. Jokes aside though, I do seem to get overly emotional because I care a lot about things that most people don't realize or care about themselves. So because of that I try to keep those emotions locked up inside until I have to pretty much explode.
Where does that leave us now? Well if you're someone who happens across this blog and even gives a shit, thanks! I don't really care with the exception of finally getting to a point in my life where I don't want to keep things I think about on the back burner any more. I have wanted to do what makes me happy in life. You can read that in my last blog which was, again, 1 year 4 months ago. So what makes me happy? Well; Comic books and Women. Science Fiction and Women. Fantasy and Women. Women and Women. You will now see the theme about girls/women all the time from this point on from me. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a lusting kind of guy. I've always loved the female form. Drawing girls in comics is one of my favorite passions. [on a side note; I say girls and I say women... they mean the same to me which is talking about members of the famle human race. I don't use the term girls solely to describe a female under the age of 18 like a lot of people. I use it to describe any girl/woman/female. Now back to our program]
Okay I'm done for now. I'll be attempting to write here more often. I think I might want to rant a bit about people's driving so we'll see about making that the theme of my next blog. I also want to address my issue with following through on promises I've intended to keep and try to explain to everyone why I've been fucking up there. But I will leave that for the next blog and that is a Promise!
-Greg Scott Bailey
Well here is the deal; 1 year and 4 months later after my last blog I am now going through a divorce with my wife, ending our five years together as husband and wife. I am now alone in my apartment with debt pouring out of my ears and no one to seek comfort from in my time of need. However... I'm not massively in debt and honestly with a good 6 months of hard work I will be out of the clear and on top of things as long as I stick to it and work hard.
Since the initial stages of my divorce (starting back in August), I have been trying to figure a game plan out. What is the best way to be a father to my three wonderful children and continue to strive towards doing the things I want to do in life? I work a 40 hour a week job and I'm greatful that I make the salary that I make. I'm very lucky in that aspect. And if I can get all my ducks lined up in a row, I should be able to do what I want in life while being responsible at the same time.
I'm still trying hard to get MockTales drawn and out to the public. At this point I have a 1st issue planned to be printed by March 2010 and debuting at the Emerald City Comic Con here in Seattle. However, I have been trying to do this for the last, what, 8 years? Since I moved to Wisconsin after September 11th, I tried to put some sort of focus in my life towards my artwork. And after the emotional rollercoaster of the year 2001, I had come up with a concept for a comic book that I wanted to bring to the world; MockTales. I took everything I had sketched and planned out in my head with various ideas over the previous years and finally had a concept that I felt would work. This version of MockTales was relevant to me because of what I went through in my life at the time. However, since then I have been through five years of marriage and I now have three kids, and as mentioned above, I am now going through a divorce. So where does that leave MockTales; well I've started a revamped version of my intial script and story. And I think I've amped it up 150%. I feel more confident about the direction I'm taking the book. I think the story achieved more purpose and direction. And my artwork in the last 2 months, let alone the last 2-5 years has never been better (if I may be so bold).
So thats not the whole story. And unfortunately you won't get the whole story on this blog. But essentially I'm having a night where I was able to pour my heart out to someone very important to me and that person let me get a lot out this evening. I feel better every time I get to emotionally express myself. Most of the time I'm hiding back watery eyes because I think I have some sort of issue where they water up when I talk about something serious. I've been meaning to see a Doctor all these years about it. Maybe I'm really a woman and no one told me? Haha. Jokes aside though, I do seem to get overly emotional because I care a lot about things that most people don't realize or care about themselves. So because of that I try to keep those emotions locked up inside until I have to pretty much explode.
Where does that leave us now? Well if you're someone who happens across this blog and even gives a shit, thanks! I don't really care with the exception of finally getting to a point in my life where I don't want to keep things I think about on the back burner any more. I have wanted to do what makes me happy in life. You can read that in my last blog which was, again, 1 year 4 months ago. So what makes me happy? Well; Comic books and Women. Science Fiction and Women. Fantasy and Women. Women and Women. You will now see the theme about girls/women all the time from this point on from me. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a lusting kind of guy. I've always loved the female form. Drawing girls in comics is one of my favorite passions. [on a side note; I say girls and I say women... they mean the same to me which is talking about members of the famle human race. I don't use the term girls solely to describe a female under the age of 18 like a lot of people. I use it to describe any girl/woman/female. Now back to our program]
Okay I'm done for now. I'll be attempting to write here more often. I think I might want to rant a bit about people's driving so we'll see about making that the theme of my next blog. I also want to address my issue with following through on promises I've intended to keep and try to explain to everyone why I've been fucking up there. But I will leave that for the next blog and that is a Promise!
-Greg Scott Bailey
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Feeling a bit selfish: RIP Michael Turner
So I took a week to cool off a bit. Clear my head and get some things into perspective. This weekend is my first official change over to day shift at work, so it feels really good to get some sleep and be awake when my family wants to have me close by.
The hardest hitting topic for me right now... the passing of Michael Turner (Fathom, Witchblade, Aspen Comics). A brilliant comic book artist who was not only battling cancer, but continued to enjoy the things he loved in life AND draw comic books on a regular basis.
I'm feeling a bit selfish now. Complaining about how tough life has been for me. While I won't take any of that back, I can still do better. Michael Turner did his best. Why can't I?
I went to my boffer group (Padded weapon fighting) Saturday fully rested and energetic. The heat got up to 88 degrees by mid-day, and I was running around in boots having a great time. I felt good. I FEEL good now. All this season I had been slowly walking around the field, maybe hitting a person every 5 or 6 battles. No energy. Barely any running. And by the end of the day I would be so zoned out, I'm surprised when I get home and I hadn't driven off the road. Amazing what the proper amount of sleep can do for you.
Maybe this is a new weekend. A new week. A new day. Right here and now, I can stand up for what I want in life. Live MY life to it's fullest. Do everything that I have ever wanted to do, and tell people to "Fuck Off!" when they tell me I can't.
Day 1... starts here
The hardest hitting topic for me right now... the passing of Michael Turner (Fathom, Witchblade, Aspen Comics). A brilliant comic book artist who was not only battling cancer, but continued to enjoy the things he loved in life AND draw comic books on a regular basis.
I'm feeling a bit selfish now. Complaining about how tough life has been for me. While I won't take any of that back, I can still do better. Michael Turner did his best. Why can't I?
I went to my boffer group (Padded weapon fighting) Saturday fully rested and energetic. The heat got up to 88 degrees by mid-day, and I was running around in boots having a great time. I felt good. I FEEL good now. All this season I had been slowly walking around the field, maybe hitting a person every 5 or 6 battles. No energy. Barely any running. And by the end of the day I would be so zoned out, I'm surprised when I get home and I hadn't driven off the road. Amazing what the proper amount of sleep can do for you.
Maybe this is a new weekend. A new week. A new day. Right here and now, I can stand up for what I want in life. Live MY life to it's fullest. Do everything that I have ever wanted to do, and tell people to "Fuck Off!" when they tell me I can't.
Day 1... starts here
Monday, June 23, 2008
Bitter much?
Okay, so I title this "Bitter much?" However, I don't think I'm honestly bitter, as much as I am really just finding out more and more about how I shouldn't expect anything in life. Anything at all.
I get a lot of crap for not getting my comic book done, despite working 40-50 hours a week and getting 4-5 hours of sleep between each work shift. There is more, but nobody is reading this shit anyways. See, I want to get my comic book done. I want to draw for a living. I want to entertain people with my stories and ideas. But I honestly don't have the professional quality or training needed to pull it off sucessfully. And I can already hear the crap that people keep telling me "Don't say that, your stuff rocks." or "Don't listen to those people, they don't know what real art is." Give me a fucking break everybody. My art sucks. I can't draw anything in a professional quality, I have a vague understanding of the human anatomy, I only want to draw women and I get enough shit for that. I don't understand lighting and design. I mean, what the fuck am I thinking? Why even bother? How the hell do I expect to even get a damn comic book going?
Am I bitter much? I wouldn't say bitter... just accepting reality. This comic book just isn't going to happen.
I get a lot of crap for not getting my comic book done, despite working 40-50 hours a week and getting 4-5 hours of sleep between each work shift. There is more, but nobody is reading this shit anyways. See, I want to get my comic book done. I want to draw for a living. I want to entertain people with my stories and ideas. But I honestly don't have the professional quality or training needed to pull it off sucessfully. And I can already hear the crap that people keep telling me "Don't say that, your stuff rocks." or "Don't listen to those people, they don't know what real art is." Give me a fucking break everybody. My art sucks. I can't draw anything in a professional quality, I have a vague understanding of the human anatomy, I only want to draw women and I get enough shit for that. I don't understand lighting and design. I mean, what the fuck am I thinking? Why even bother? How the hell do I expect to even get a damn comic book going?
Am I bitter much? I wouldn't say bitter... just accepting reality. This comic book just isn't going to happen.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Slightly Aligned Synapsis
Holy crap!? Two blogs in one week, what are the odds?? I received good news from my job announcing that I am now moving back to my old position with Monday through Fridays, day shift. This will ease up the tension in my family and sleep hours, and will hopefully lead towards a lower blood pressure and better health type living.
With these recent changes I will now be able to schedule out my artwork and plan out what projects I need to finish and work on. Recently I did a quick drawing of my main character, Tim Garn (above) and I feel like I didn't even put any effort into it at all. I'm kinda bummed about it.
But regardless, I press on with some good news. I have a whole assortment of projects lined up that I hope to be able to announce by the end of the month. With these new projects I will also be announcing artists, models and photographers who will be jumping in to help get things going. Some people are volunteering, others I've had to hire. Either way, if all goes well I will be able to get MockTales.com fully updated, upgraded and up and running by July 2008. This includes character descriptions, story previews, online comics, and even a wiki full of information about the Comic Book Universe of Nexus Earth.
The other projects, I don't want to announce too much about because I want to make sure I can get everything rolling. I can say however that I am putting together my adult site version of MockTales. While MockTales is a PG-13 to R rated style book and web site, the new site will be R rated to NC-17 and slightly softcore. I have no wishes to do full-on adult site work, showing intercourse or extreme vulgarity. There are plenty of sites out there for that, and that ain't my bag... baby. This new site will end up being a "members only" site and will require people to pay. However, I am still working this all out, so a bit of patience if you will. Thanks
If anyone reads this knows people who are doing photography or who model, and would be interested in helping out. Please tell them to send me email. mocktales@gmail.com
I ask in good faith about getting artists and models because I know there are people out there just like me who are struggling to find their way. To express themselves. (I said express, not expose. We'll talk about exposing myself after I get to comfortably stop working security. Thanks) Artisticly I see people all over the world on Deviantart.com, MySpace, Blogs, comic sites... ect. I see the talent out there. And with 6.8 billion people in the world (and growing), there are so many different ways people want to get their ideas out to the rest of us. I'm the same way. I have my ideas. I have my dreams. I want to share these with everyone and anyone I can possibly entertain.
I'll leave tonight's blog with this; if we are truly the masters of our own destiny, and mind really does work over matter, then what the hell is it that is preventing me from doing what I truly want to do in life... other than myself?
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Mis-fired Synapsis
I don't know why... I just can't seem to write a weekly blog. I think part of it is due to laziness and the other part is a side of me that doesn't want to "just let it all out." As someone who has always tried to listen to other people's problems, I found myself learning way too much about them. Personal information that, thankfully for them, I feel other people don't really need to know about.
But where do I draw the line on keeping all this information? And when the hell do "I" get to get these things off my chest without people telling me that I'm just bitching and complaining? Something like a blog is usually a good place to just write and let it all out. "To hell with the consequences." Right? Well in the same respect, I come back to that conflict where someone will read these things and the trust that others have put in me to keep their words silent may be broken. So this sucks.
";alskdjfivna'/zeignsa sear 14." Roughly translated "What the &$#@ should I do?"
I do not comprehend the world the same way as the rest of you. *points to the other 6.8 billion people on the planet* But to narrow it down, I've come to realize that even the most common things in life that people take for granted, I don't comprehend. People use to make fun of me for this lack of knowledge. And for this, I would shelter myself away, keep quiet around crowds, be shy and timid, take no action when action is needed. What else was I to do? I didn't know what questions to ask in order to learn the things that people commonly knew. I was a living paradox. I still feel I am to this day. I am easily emotional. I care about things that no one else cares about, but I don't care about things that people DO care about. ? ?
If you haven't figured out by now that I am just typing all of this as it comes out in my head, well... now you know. Am I being truthful? Yes. I believe myself to be one of the most truthful people I know. I see no reason to lie to anyone. I have had my fair share of Fish stories in the past, and I don't really feel happy knowing that I have embellished the truth. I think people should be happy with the way things are, without the white lies or exaggerating the truth. In fact, since I am on the subject, I am so sick and tired of people telling fish stories. While I won't mention names, I have to say the biggest Fish story culture I've been a part of is the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms). The SCA in itself is cool, and I love getting away and camping out in a medieval environment for the weekend. And I can understand people telling a story about a made up character that they are role-playing. But when people just can't let it go. When people don't understand that they they are being too far fetched... then it just gets on my nerves. And if they see that you're not believing their story, they push it further! WTF?!
And another thing, since I seem to be on a rant now; I am SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of people interrupting me when I'm talking about something. There is nothing more frustrating than to finally have people listening to me talk about a subject... to finally have the courage to talk to crowds of people... and to even have those people laughing at the jokes I tell, or ask me to tell them more about what I am talking about.... only to have someone cut in and interupt me. I had a situation not too long ago I was entertaining at least 12 people. They were laughing at my jokes, and for the shy and timid person I am, I was able to let loose and finally open up and have fun. Then all of a sudden something just HAD to happen which pulled everyone away and put a glum on the rest of the night. No one was having fun any more. No one wanted to talk to each other any more. And my weekend... ruined because someone couldn't just chill the fuck out, calm down and enjoy the evening. The situation was overblown, people flipped out when they didn't need to. ARg.... I can't explain without telling names, places and such. So I'll just stop here.
There is so much more that I can't really say without being able to just open up and let loose. Plus I don't know if anyone is even reading this. I don't know what to do with a lot of things in my life. I would like to keep working hard and and "Keep on truck'n" as people keep telling me to do. I have all these dreams and goals in my life. First and formost these days, my wife and kids come first. But I know there are so many people out there that are supporting their families with their skills.... why not me? Why can't I get my shit together and draw professionally; with better anatomy, better design, better work eithics, better... ugh... better everything. I feel that drawing is the only skill I truly have that I can make any kind of living with, and yet I can't seem to get it together. I can't seem to just.... CLICK. Why can't I click... ON, like a light switch. Why can't my damn synapsis fire and give me that light bulb above my head that says "AH HA, I GET IT NOW!" Well I don't get it. I fear I will never get it. In order for me to get anywhere with my artwork on a professional level I will have to step it up even further. Work hard. Work harder. Not hard enough, well damn it WORK HARDER!
Fin.... for now
But where do I draw the line on keeping all this information? And when the hell do "I" get to get these things off my chest without people telling me that I'm just bitching and complaining? Something like a blog is usually a good place to just write and let it all out. "To hell with the consequences." Right? Well in the same respect, I come back to that conflict where someone will read these things and the trust that others have put in me to keep their words silent may be broken. So this sucks.
";alskdjfivna'/zeignsa sear 14." Roughly translated "What the &$#@ should I do?"
I do not comprehend the world the same way as the rest of you. *points to the other 6.8 billion people on the planet* But to narrow it down, I've come to realize that even the most common things in life that people take for granted, I don't comprehend. People use to make fun of me for this lack of knowledge. And for this, I would shelter myself away, keep quiet around crowds, be shy and timid, take no action when action is needed. What else was I to do? I didn't know what questions to ask in order to learn the things that people commonly knew. I was a living paradox. I still feel I am to this day. I am easily emotional. I care about things that no one else cares about, but I don't care about things that people DO care about. ? ?
If you haven't figured out by now that I am just typing all of this as it comes out in my head, well... now you know. Am I being truthful? Yes. I believe myself to be one of the most truthful people I know. I see no reason to lie to anyone. I have had my fair share of Fish stories in the past, and I don't really feel happy knowing that I have embellished the truth. I think people should be happy with the way things are, without the white lies or exaggerating the truth. In fact, since I am on the subject, I am so sick and tired of people telling fish stories. While I won't mention names, I have to say the biggest Fish story culture I've been a part of is the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms). The SCA in itself is cool, and I love getting away and camping out in a medieval environment for the weekend. And I can understand people telling a story about a made up character that they are role-playing. But when people just can't let it go. When people don't understand that they they are being too far fetched... then it just gets on my nerves. And if they see that you're not believing their story, they push it further! WTF?!
And another thing, since I seem to be on a rant now; I am SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of people interrupting me when I'm talking about something. There is nothing more frustrating than to finally have people listening to me talk about a subject... to finally have the courage to talk to crowds of people... and to even have those people laughing at the jokes I tell, or ask me to tell them more about what I am talking about.... only to have someone cut in and interupt me. I had a situation not too long ago I was entertaining at least 12 people. They were laughing at my jokes, and for the shy and timid person I am, I was able to let loose and finally open up and have fun. Then all of a sudden something just HAD to happen which pulled everyone away and put a glum on the rest of the night. No one was having fun any more. No one wanted to talk to each other any more. And my weekend... ruined because someone couldn't just chill the fuck out, calm down and enjoy the evening. The situation was overblown, people flipped out when they didn't need to. ARg.... I can't explain without telling names, places and such. So I'll just stop here.
There is so much more that I can't really say without being able to just open up and let loose. Plus I don't know if anyone is even reading this. I don't know what to do with a lot of things in my life. I would like to keep working hard and and "Keep on truck'n" as people keep telling me to do. I have all these dreams and goals in my life. First and formost these days, my wife and kids come first. But I know there are so many people out there that are supporting their families with their skills.... why not me? Why can't I get my shit together and draw professionally; with better anatomy, better design, better work eithics, better... ugh... better everything. I feel that drawing is the only skill I truly have that I can make any kind of living with, and yet I can't seem to get it together. I can't seem to just.... CLICK. Why can't I click... ON, like a light switch. Why can't my damn synapsis fire and give me that light bulb above my head that says "AH HA, I GET IT NOW!" Well I don't get it. I fear I will never get it. In order for me to get anywhere with my artwork on a professional level I will have to step it up even further. Work hard. Work harder. Not hard enough, well damn it WORK HARDER!
Fin.... for now
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